


Insecure

by Loki_ate_my_pudding



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Depression, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Insecure Shane, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-06
Updated: 2018-08-06
Packaged: 2019-06-22 02:46:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15571977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loki_ate_my_pudding/pseuds/Loki_ate_my_pudding
Summary: Shane doesn’t overthink. Shane doesn’t panic. He doesn’t have any problems at all, a total privileged white dude in LA. Or does he have problems he hasn’t even realized yet?-Or Shane is insanely insecure and doesn’t realize.





	Insecure

**Author's Note:**

> I came up with this because it seems like it’s always Ryan in fics who plays the vulnerable role. Everyone has Unsolved shit going on. 
> 
> -
> 
> PARENTHESES ARE SHANE’S THOUGHTS.

Shane was happy. 

He had a good job at Buzzfeed, plenty of friends, good income, and even free time to do his own thing on weekends. He lived alone in a shitty apartment that he felt almost at home in. The couch was cozy, and his bed was cozier. 

He was a normal, tall, guy. No one spared him a second glance, nothing about him was particularly off-putting or anything. It’d always been that way. 

That’s when the insecurities came in. In highschool, the grandest years of everyone’s lives. When all the guys in his class had dates to prom and he stayed home, silently wondering in his bed surrounded by food why no one wanted him. That’s when he thought they started. 

He was wrong. 

He didn’t recognize it as an insecurity that he was afraid of unreliability. He’d grown up his whole life being let down, his parents had split and he lived with his mother, though his father blew him off every time they were meant to see each other. It was manipulative and toxic at best, and Shane still craved to feel loved by the druggie he called his dad. 

Thats when it really started. When he sat at home, alone, while his mom was at work and he’d just gotten home off the school bus, his dog would sit with him on the couch while he wondered why he was alone again. 

So Shane got used to being alone, and insecurity just grew to be apart of him. He didn’t recognize anymore that he was horrified of unreliability, or someone leaving him. He didn’t notice that he wore longer fitting shirts to make his legs look shorter, or slouched in his seat and wore his hair flat down. 

Shane grew to be one with hating everything about himself. 

It was different when he got his first date in college, though. Shane felt loved, he felt happier, he felt alive. He shared a dorm with Ken, he had classes with him and spent all his time with him. 

Ken was just as toxic as his father was, and Shane just wanted to feel that love he craved. He stayed, and stayed, and stayed until Ken was the one that left. He left Shane, just as insecure, scared, and sad as before, just this time with a little extra black and blue. 

Shane learned after that to numb his feelings. So he was happy. 

Ryan, however, was truly happy. He easily accessed the emotion all humans were meant to feel, like magic. Shane was jealous of the bubbly man, who bounced around the office like a kangaroo on crack or something like that. He wished he could be the same. 

Then Unsolved came around, and Shane found that Ryan was just as scared as he was, only about ghosts instead of unreliability. (One's worse than the other.) ((the answer isn’t ghosts.)) They bonded over it, as if Shane had opened up about everything to Ryan, even though he’d told him nothing. 

Shane felt just as bad when they started dating. And a month after. And half a year after that. 

He wouldve expected Ryan to leave him by then, sick of Shane’s constant excuses to open  up to him. Sick of Shane in general. He didn’t want to press his heavy emotional baggage against Ryan and expect him to carry it. 

Shane realized how bad he was one night in his bathroom. 

It was the general treacherous place, aside from the bedroom, where Shane found himself lost in thought and caught in feelings. It was in the bath, the water tinted light blue with a girly scent filling his nose, that he realized he didn’t quite fit in the tub. 

It was his knees poking out of the water that made it all crash down on him. 

It was his fucking knees that made him start sobbing uncontrollably, nearly slipping as he got out of the bath to stand in front of the mirror. He watched himself cry, thoughts racing through his (way way way too big, it’s huge, it’s ugly) head. 

Thiughts of how too tall he was. How too loud and sarcastic and obnoxious he was. Of how stupidly scared he was of everything that didn’t scare any other normal person. 

It was then that Shane realized how truly depressed and insecure he was. 

He didn’t do anything about it, though. If anything, Shane found himself feeling worse, more withdrawn, trying harder to cover up everything about himself. He held in every since about tall jokes, every sad smile about the big head jabs. He found himself distancing himself from everything and everyone, becoming who he wished he wouldn’t become.

”Shane, wanna get a drink tonight?” 

“Shane, wanna go out for lunch?” 

“Wanna go to a movie?” 

No, no, no, Shane said no to every offer everyone made. 

He called in sick to work on a Thursday when he felt particularly bad. He hoped they understood, though he didn’t really explain why he wasn’t coming. Just said he wasn’t and he was under the weather. 

It wasn’t an entire lie, he’d been sniffling and his head pounded relentlessly, but he could live with it. 

What he couldn’t live with, was his depression. He couldn’t live his life hating himself and scared of everything that anyone could do, and he knew that. He just didn’t know how to not. 

Shane was in bed all day, dark curtains over the windows, lights off in the house, bundled in every blanket in his closet with the air turned on 60 in the middle of November. He would’ve stayed that way if not for Ryan. 

Ryan let himself in with the key Shane had given him, setting a bag of chicken noodle soup and some juice on the counter of Shane’s little kitchenette. He flipped a light switch, furrowing his eyebrows together as he slid off his shoes to venture through the house to find Shane. 

He did, the taller male in his bed with sad, red eyes and tear stained cheeks. “Oh, Shane..” Ryan spoke quietly, sliding into bed beside Shane. 

He didn’t say anything for a few minutes, worming his way through the blankets to get to Shane. He collected the mess of crying tall  limbs in his arms, rubbing his back gently and whispering sweet nothings. 

“You’re okay, Shane, I’m here for you. Don’t worry, it’s okay, don’t cry anymore. You’re so perfect, I love you, it’s okay now, it’s all okay.” He comforted as best as he could, and it worked as well as it could. 

Shane felt better, but he still had the baggage. It was still there, looming over both their heads. 

Ryan didn’t force him to talk. Shane was ever greatfull for that. 

-

It didn't come up again until an episode of Unsolved. 

“Have you had sleep paralysis before?” Ryan asked Shane, taking a bite out of an egg roll they ordered. Shane shook his head. “Me either.” 

The investigation went by normally, until Ryan heard whimpers around three am. He freaked out for a few solid moments, sitting up faster than ever to find the source of the noise. 

He would’ve never expected the sound to be Shane. 

Ryan turned his head, confused for a moment before he frowned deeply. “Shane?” He questioned, only to remain unanswered. 

It was silent for a moment, then he heard the noise again. Only louder and a little longer this time, more scared and hurt. Shane mumbled a bit in his sleep, and Ryan sat up straighter. 

“No..” he groaned out, body twisting to the side. Ryan watched with fear in his eyes, quickly reaching over to wake up Shane. The cameras were rolling, and he could care less. 

“Shane, wake up.” Ryan coaxed, but Shane's noises of fear only became louder. “Wake up!” 

He did, eyes flying open and his mouth letting out a yell of pure terror. His arms flew up to protect his face, body curling into the sleeping bag on the floor. 

“Shane, woah,” Ryan’s eyes widened a bit. “Calm down, big guy, it’s just me.” 

Shane peered at him with scared eyes, a sad glint in them that Ryan had never seen there before. He frowned and let himself out of his sleeping back, sitting up for Shane. “What’s going on?” 

“Bad dream, Ry, it’s nothing. I’m fine.” Shane muttered, looking down. 

“I think we should talk, Shane.” Ryan said honestly, and Shane’s eyes widened a bit in fear. Ryan instantly regretted his words. “No, not like that. I’m not leaving you. I just want to know why you’re so- just, you’re so jumpy all the time lately. It seems like you’ve been distancing yourself and trying to avoid going out with everyone and I’m worried about you.” 

Shane looked at him, still silent as he sat up in the sleeping bag. 

“It’s like, you’re not the same. Even the fans have noticed, in the show you’re acting different. I want to help you. It hurts me to see you cry, and coming to your apartment when you’re sad and holding you while you sob into my chest makes my heart ache. Please tell me what’s going on...” Ryan said, frowning as he watched Shane. Shane looked down. 

“I guess, um, I dunno. Im insecure?” Shane said, shrugging a little. Ryan frowned deeper. 

“What do you mean?” Ryan asked. 

Shane looked down, biting his lip for a moment. “I’m insecure. About a lot of things.” He said. He glanced at the cameras and got up, walking to turn them off. “Okay.” 

He sat back down next to Ryan, looking at his hands in his lap. “I’m scared. I’m scared of unreliability and people leaving me. I don’t want a repeat of dad. I’m always scared that you’ll just decide you don’t want me anymore and leave me. I’m scared that you’ll start to blow me off and do other things.” 

“I’m nervous that you’ll hate me if I tell you everything. I don’t want you to carry my emotional baggage.” Shane mumbled. Ryan hugged him in response. 

“I’ll never hate you, Shane. I’ll love you just the same.” He said honestly, and Shane nodded. “Do you want to tell me more?” 

So Shane did. 

He told Ryan about spending proms alone at home, and told him about the lack of times he felt truly loved, and most importantly, everything about Ken. He told him how much he truly hated the tall jokes and big head comments, how disgusting he felt about his own body, and how much he disliked how scared he was of relationships because of the past. 

Shane spoke until he let himself collapse in tears, and Ryan held him tight through it all. 

They didn’t sleep for the rest of the night, not worried about the supposedly haunted building. They kept the cameras off, and they talked, and in the morning, after declaring the building as not haunted, Shane felt better. 

Meh felt better than he had in years. “Hey Ryan?” 

“Yeah?”

”Wanna go get some coffee?” 

“Yes.” 


End file.
